Interpretation of the Quran- Surat Al-Baqarah (002)- Lesson [78-95 ]- Ayat (226-229): Divorce and the means of regulating the relationship between spouses

Praise be to Allah, the Lord of Creations, and Peace and blessings be upon our prophet Muhammad, the faithful and the honest.
 Oh, Allah, we know nothing but what You teach us. You are the All- Knower, the Wise. Oh Allah, teach us what is good for us, and benefit us from what You taught us, and increase our knowledge. Show us the righteous things as righteous and help us to do them, and show us the bad things as bad and help us to keep away from them.
  O Allah our Lord, lead us out from the depths of darkness and illusion, unto the lights of erudition and knowledge, and from the muddy shallows of lusts unto the heavens of Your Vicinity.
The meaning of 'Ilaa'' in the Arabic :
 Dear brothers, this is the 78th lesson of Surat Al-Baqarah, and we are tackling the Ayah number 226 in which Allah the Almighty says:
"Those who take an oath not to have sexual relation with their wives must wait four months, then if they return (change their idea in this period), verily, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful."
[Al-Baqarah, 226]
 Dear brothers, this is a basic rule with regards to the relationship between spouses, because Allah the Almighty is the All-Knowing and the All-Aware of human nature. Allah the Almighty says:
"Those who take an oath not to have sexual relation with their wives must wait four months, then if they return (change their idea in this period), verily, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful."
[Al-Baqarah, 226]
 In Arabic 'Ilaa" Semantically is taking an oath not to do something, but according to the Shari'ah rulings it is when a husband makes a vow not to have sexual relation with his wife. This happens a lot between spouses, so Allah the All-Knowing and the All-Aware has given us a ruling on this issue. First, Allah the Almighty says:
"Those who take an oath not to have sexual relation with their wives"
[Al-Baqarah, 226]
 It means that those who take an oath to refrain from having sexual relation with their wives should wait for four months. Allah the Almighty has determined the period of Ilaa' to be four months during which the husbands should refrain from having sexual relation with their wives. Once this period is over, the husbands should make their final decision. This is not about a state of war or peace, nor is it about an everlasting separation!! This situation contradicts the wisdom of marriage, so after the end of this period, the husband should make his final decision. He should either keep his wife, treat her as a wife, have sexual relation with her and be kind to her, or divorce her. As for the husband who leaves his wife for many months without caring for her or having a sense of responsibility towards her, there is a Shari'ah ruling on his case which we will discuss later on.
The wisdom behind making the period of Ilaa' four months
 Allah the Almighty has made the period of Ilaa' 4 months during which the husbands abstain from having intercourse with their wives. As soon as this period ends, the husband should make their final decision; he should either repair his relation with his wife or divorce her. In other words, he should either change his mind, has sexual relation with his wife, treat her as a wife and be good to her, or divorce her. She should never be left suspended; she should not be put under a situation of being neither a wife whose husband gives her her rights, nor a divorced woman who has the right to look for another husband. This is a serious situation which may lead to betrayals and moral deviation.
 Let me tell you something before I go on with our subject: No husband should accept a job vacancy abroad if it requires that he stays away from his wife for one year or more, because this will ruin his marital relationship and will be harmful either to him or to his wife. Actually, Allah the Creator, the Bountiful, the Wise and the All-Aware has made the period of four months the maximum period during which man may refrain from having intercourse with his wife, because this is the period that the wife endures her husband's absence. Thus, after the end of this period, the husband should either repair his relation with his wife or divorce her. 
  Dear brothers, jurisprudents agreed unanimously on the fact that when the husband makes a vow to refrain from his wife then he changes his mind, he should pay an expiation for breaking his vow, and this is axiomatic. I repeat, if someone made a vow not to have sexual relation with his wife, then when the period of Ilaa' was over, he mended his relation with his wife and had sexual relation with her, he should pay an expiation for breaking his oath as it is mentioned in many Noble Ayat.
 Dear brothers, Allah the Almighty has made the period of Ilaa' four months, because this is the period which the wife can endure being away from her husband, as I've mentioned earlier. Therefore, if the spouses mend their marital relationship and wanted to sustain their marriage, then Allah the Almighty is the All-Forgiving and the Most Merciful, will not call the husband to account for that oath. However, the husband should pay an expiation for breaking his oath. Whoever makes a vow not to have sexual relation with his wife, should wait until the period of Ilaa' which is four months ends. Once it is over, and he returns back to his wife, he should pay an expiation for his oath. This is what he should do, and his marital relation will return to normal. One the other hand, if he decides to keep away from his wife even after the Ilaa' period is over, he should divorce her. Allah the Almighty says:
"Either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness."
[Al-Baqarah: 229]
 The Ayah, "Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful" means that He will never call you to account for this oath, but rather He will forgive you and have mercy on you.
Divorce is a momentous life decision
 Allah the Almighty says:
"And if they decide upon divorce,"
[Al-Baqarah, 227]
 Pay full attention to the following phrase: 'if they decide upon divorce', which means that divorce is a momentous life decision which should be made after a deep and serious thinking. The husband should make such serious decision after close examination, taking time, serious consideration and drawing a comparison between the positive and the negative sides of this decision. The husband who makes this decision in a moment of anger and without any reason and ruins his marital relationship, displaces his children and does great harm to his family, does not implement the Shari'ah rulings on divorce. Allah the Almighty says:
"And if they decide upon divorce,"
[Al-Baqarah, 227]
 Which means they made the divorce decision. He says:
"then Allah is All-Hearer, All-Knower."
[Al-Baqarah, 227]
 It is a reference to the fact that Allah the Almighty knows your hidden intention, and He knows which one of the spouses had done wrong to the other. Allah the Almighty says:
"then Allah is All-Hearer, All-Knower."
[Al-Baqarah, 227]
 This is a kind of threat; you may say whatever you want, but Allah the Almighty knows the hidden matters, the motives, the excuses and the purposes according to which the decision of divorce was made.
Disciplining the wife should not last for more than 4 months
 Dear brothers, what is the ruling on a man who makes a vow not to have sexual relation with his wife without a specified period of time, a man who specifies the period to be more than 4 months, a husband who makes an unrestricted vow, or a husband who specifies the period to be about a year? He is given a period of 4 months, then when this period comes to an end, he should either mend his relation with his wife and pay an expiation for breaking his oath, or divorce her. The divorce in such a case is considered the first divorce. If the husband makes a vow not to have sexual intercourse with his wife for a period less than 4 moths, he should fulfill his oath and stay away from her until the end of this period. It permissible for the husband to make an oath not to have sexual relation with his wife for less than 4 months. These are the Words of Allah, the All-Aware, but after the end of this period he should make the final decision; he should either treats her as his wife and have sexual relation with her, or divorce her, so that she can look for another husband. He should not leave her suspended; she should not be left neither married nor divorced, because this is an aberrant situation which may lead to extremely serious harm. Actually, in some countries which prohibit divorce, when a dispute arises between spouses, they keep away from each other. Then, each one of them will have a secret lover, and their marriage will last nominally. This situation is utterly rejected in Shari'ah. Allah the Almighty says:
"Either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness."
[Al-Baqarah: 229]
 If you want to discipline your wife, you should do that within 4 months, no matter for how long you make your vow. In other words, it is meaningless to make a vow to refrain from having sexual relation with your wife for one or two years, as time has no value at all after the end of the Ilaa' period. If you make a vow of Ilaa' for less than four months, you should fulfill your oath and keep away from her for the period you specifies by the vow of Ilaa'.
 Once, the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, wanted to discipline some of his wives, so he, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, made a vow not to have sexual relation with them for a month. Actually, the husband who lacks knowledge and wisdom may destroy his family life, may make his children feel lost and displaced and may lose his wife for a silly reason, while the rational husband chooses to discipline her. Disputes between husband and wife are a matter of fact; they have their own purposes, so they may have conflicts, arguments and quarrels with each other, but there should be a decisive solution. Thus, the husband can discipline his wife by refraining from having sexual relation with her, yet he should advise her first, command her to do what is good and forbid her from what is bad, and then he may keep away from her as a punishment.
Man can break his oath in order to perform a righteous deed
 The Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, made a vow of not to have sexual relation with his wives for one month. If someone wants to make his vow null and void, and if he wants to mend his relation with his wife before the end of the period of Ilaa' which does not exceed 4 months, he can break his oath and pay an expiation for his vow as an act of honor to the wife and a punishment to the husband. Hence, if the husband makes a vow to keep away from his wife for a month, then he finds that there is no need for this punishment, and he decides to break his oath, he should pay an expiation for his vow if he has sexual relation with his wife before the end of this month. The Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, said:
((Whoever takes an oath, and then he sees that something else is better than it, then he should make atonement for his oath and then do it.))
[Muslim]
 This is a basic rule. 
 Many people make vows in a moment of anger. For example, someone may make a vow not to visit his sister, or not to lend someone an amount of money, or not to do someone a favor, and so on. Since man was created in order to perform righteous deeds, Allah the Almighty allows him through the Prophetic Sunnah to break his oath and to do what is better. Thus, do not let your oath hinder you from performing righteous deeds, because you were created for that purpose.
 Let me give you an example from everyday life: a student who studies at the Faculty of Medicine read one of the medicine books and found it very complicated, so he felt fairly annoyed because he had not understand anything. As a result, he made a vow not to read any book at this faculty, but his future, his fate, his knowledge level and his marriage depend on his graduation, is it reasonable that he should fulfill his oath! Absolutely not, on the contrary, he should break it, pay an expiation for his oath and do what is better. Allah the Almighty says:
"Then Allah is All-Hearer, All-Knower."
[Al-Baqarah, 227]
 This is also a kind of threat.
"Then Allah is All-Hearer, All-Knower."
[Al-Baqarah, 227]
 Allah the Almighty is the All-Knower of what people hide within, and of which one of the spouses does more harm to the other.
Men are trusted with making the decision of divorce
 There are some acts which bother the husband, and there are other ones which bother the wife, but these acts cannot be proven before the court. You may pretend in front of people to love your wife, to honor her and to provide her with everything, while in fact you do great harm to her without being called to account by the law or by the judicial provisions. The husband may insult his wife, and no one can be a witness to that; he may refrain from having sexual relation with her in order to harm her, and he may treat her as a maid. There are many wrongful acts which husbands perform without being called to account neither by the judicial authorities, nor by the law. Furthermore, there are some terrible acts which are committed by the husband, and the wife does not dare to inform even her parents about. On the other hand, there are some wives who perform wrongful acts to their husbands, while the judge cannot find them guilty for them. Allah the Almighty says:
"Then Allah is All-Hearer, All-Knower."
[Al-Baqarah, 227].
 Which means Allah is the All-Knower of these wrongful acts which the spouses do against one another. It is a threat that Allah knows what people hide within. Also, He knows the harm which is done by one of the spouses against the other, and which is not encompassed by the judicial provisions, and the judge cannot find who is guilty for them. Actually, these matters are disclosed before Allah the Almighty, and He will call people to account for them. Allah the Almighty says:
"Then Allah is All-Hearer, All-Knower."
[Al-Baqarah, 227]
 Scholars see that men are completely trusted with making the decision of divorce. A husband may claim that he saw a strange man in his house, and he divorces his wife for that. People may believe him, so who will call him to account if he is lying? Also, a husband may want to deprive his wife of her dowry, so he accuses her of adultery, who will call him to account for that, and who will punish him severely for that? He is Allah the Almighty.
"Then Allah is All-Hearer, All-Knower."
[Al-Baqarah, 227]
Islam is based on responsibility before Allah the Almighty
 There are cases in which the husband and his wife repair their marital relationship, so the wife gives him her house as a gift, but he takes it and divorces her. Who will the wife who plots against her husband, and the husband who plots against his wife to account? He is Allah the Almighty. Actually, there is obvious harm which the jury can notice, but the hidden harm is only known by Allah the Almighty. He says:
"Then Allah is All-Hearer, All-Knower."
[Al-Baqarah, 227]
 This is a threat from Allah the Almighty, therefore men are trusted with the decision of divorce, and women are trusted with their own affairs, such as Iddah (the period a woman must observe after the death of her spouse or after a divorce, during which she cannot remarry), Istibra (to make sure that there is no fetus in a woman's womb), the matters which are related to wombs, the menstruation blood and so on. Who knows anything about these matters? It is just the wife, so she is trusted with these matters. Also, the husband is trusted with making the decision of divorce. Hence, Islam is based on having responsibility before Allah the Almighty.
 I'll give you another example concerning this issue, if a man travels to a western country and marries a woman in an Islamic center where all the conditions of the right marriage contract are available; an Islamic scholar who will make this marriage contract, Ijab (formal offer) and Qubul (formal acceptance), dowry and two witnesses, but he intends to make this marriage temporary, who knows about his hidden intention? Allah the Almighty Alone knows about it. Such intention contradicts the wisdom behind marriage. Thus, there are apparent provisions, and there are hidden matters which Allah the Almighty is well-acquainted with. Concerning some of the orders ordained by Allah on the matter of marriage and divorce, Allah the Almighty has ordered the husband who made Ilaa' vow to wait for 4 months, while He has ordered the divorced woman to remain in waiting for three periods, which is mentioned in another Ayah.
 It is narrated that our master Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, once heard a woman reciting a poem in which she was complaining about being alone (she missed her husband who was away from) d, so he asked his daughter Hafsah: "How long can a wife endure the absence of her husband?" She said: "Four months." Consequently, Umar, may Allah be pleased with him gave a command to all husbands whom are taking part in any expedition not to be away from their wives more than four months.
 Some countries make job offers for an engineer, but they put a condition that he should come without his wife. These countries give the engineer a vacation after a year. Actually, this is against Shari'ah, because he needs his wife, and his wife needs him. Making such job offers for employees asking them to come without their wives may cause severe harm. Whatever is done against the Method of Allah the Almighty causes terrible moral corruption.
After an irrevocable divorce, woman should wait for three months
 Then Allah the Almighty says:
"And divorced women shall wait (as regards their marriage) for three menstrual periods, and it is not lawful for them to conceal what Allah has created in their wombs, if they believe in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands have the better right to take them back in that period, if they wish for reconciliation. And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise."
[Al-Baqarah, 228]
 Of course, the Noble Ayat which are related to Islamic jurisprudence require accuracy and patience, because they include precise rulings on which Shari'ah is built. In the aforementioned Ayat, Allah orders the divorced women to wait for three menstrual periods. Actually, a dispute may arise between the spouses which is a usual thing, so the husband may divorce his wife in a moment of anger. This divorce takes place while the husband is outrageous, so he may begin to regret what he has done. After a while, he may wish this divorce had never happened. Allah the Almighty is All-Aware of the husband's intention. As for the irrevocably divorced woman, she should wait for three periods. According to the different opinions of the scholars, these three periods are either menstrual periods or three states of purity. After the first menstrual period, if the husband speaks to his wife or puts his hand on hers, he takes her back by this act, but the divorce is considered one divorce.
 If a man swears an oath of divorce in a moment of anger, but the very next day his anger starts to abate, and after two days it fades, and he regrets swearing this oath, he can easily take his wife back to him either by saying that he wants to take her back or by putting his hand on hers. Their marital relationship returns to normal and he can take his wife back, but the divorce is considered a divorce for one time. When Allah the Almighty has made the divorce permissible, He has made it clear that it should be as it was revealed to the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him in his Sunnah. Accordingly, if the husband swears the oath of divorce in a moment of anger, but after a while his anger fades, and he finds that he should not have sworn that oath, this problem can be easily solved. He can take his wife back either by words or by action, and everything comes to an end, but his wife is divorced for one time.
Marriage is the most sanctified contract and is the solemn covenant
  If the divorced wife waits for one month, but her husband does not repair his relation with her and matters become worse, she should also wait for another menstrual period. During this period, she should remain in her husband's house, adorning herself to him and preparing food for him, and he can take her back whenever he wants since she is still in his house. However, if he does not repair his relation with her, she should also wait for a third menstrual period. The husband may have sworn this oath unjustly, he may have sworn it in a moment of anger or recklessness or he may have been under intense stress in his work. Since the Shari'ah is full of wisdom, and it aims at protecting this contract which is the most sanctified contract, and which is made in order to last not to be broken down, the wife should wait for a third month. As soon as he brings her back to him, either by words or by actions, she will return to be his wife, but she is divorced for one time. To summarize, the husband is given a chance to repair his relation with his wife within three months, but after the end of her third monthly period, and when she becomes in a state of purity, she becomes free. He has a chance which lasts for three months, i.e. 90 days, so if the problem is not so serious, he will not endure being away from his wife all that time. Consider the wisdom of Shari'ah; if a husband divorces his wife for one time, he has a90 day- chance to bring her back to him, and their marital relation will return to what it used to be. Allah the Almighty says:

"And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty)."
[At-Talaq, 2].
 It means whoever fears Allah when he divorces his wife, and whoever divorces his wife according to the Sunnah of the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, (to divorce her one time while she is in a state of purity, and in which the husband has not have sexual relation with her), Allah will make a way for him to bring his wife back to him. In most cases, the husband loves his wife, but the divorce takes place in a moment of anger, so the greatest marital problem will most properly become little after a while. 
 By the way, when the wife remains in the marital home, the biggest marital problem will become little as days pass by, but when she leaves her husband's house, or when her husband expels her, the most little marital problem will get worse and worse until it ends up with divorce. This is the meaning of the following Noble Ayah in which Allah the Almighty says:
"and turn them not out of their (husband's) homes, nor shall they (themselves) leave,"
[At-Talaq, 1]
Getting the wife back after three monthly periods
 As I've just mentioned, as long as the wife remains in the marital home, the biggest problem will diminish bit by bit until it vanishes. The period of Ilaa' may end after two days, a week, ten days, twenty days, a month or two months. Actually, the husband can bring his wife back within ninety days. He may find himself mistaken, and that the decision he made when he divorced his wife was wrong. He might have exaggerated the marital problem, and that it should not have led to divorce. Therefore, Shari'ah gives the husband a chance of ninety days to repair his relation with his wife, but after the end of her three monthly periods, and when she becomes in a state of purity, she becomes free.
 You may ask, how could the husband take his wife back after the end of the three monthly periods? He can simply do that by making a new marriage contract with a new dowry, because she becomes free after the end of that period. She waited for ninety days during which she stayed with him, adorned herself for him, she needed him as well as he needed her. Yet, he didn't have sexual relation with her and did not take her back to him which made her free. Therefore, he should make a new marriage contract with a new dowry in order to take her back to him, and she has a free will either to return to him or not.
 By the way, during the ninety days, she does not have the choice; when he wants to take her back to him either by words or by actions, she returns to be his wife. However, after the end of her three monthly periods, and when she takes bath and becomes in a state of purity, she becomes free and he cannot take her back to him except by making a new marriage contract with a new dowry. In this situation the wife is divorced for one time, and the husband gets her back by a new marriage contract. Even if he does not take her back, she is divorced now for one time. When the husband repairs his relation with his wife within the ninety days, he can bring her back without a new marriage contract and a new dowry, but if he wants to take her back when the -ninety day period- is over, he should make a new marriage contract with a new dowry.
 Now, if he divorces her for the second time, and he does not repair his marital relation with her for another three monthly periods, i.e. another ninety days, this indicates that they are having hard times in their marital life. If the marital problem is unbearable, marriage will never be saved. Consider the great guarantees of Shari'ah; divorce is a solution that one should not seek except in fairly rare cases, because Allah the Almighty is pleased with the couple when they cooperate, and He is displeased with them when they separate. Also, divorce is the most hated lawful act in the Sight of Allah the Almighty. It is just like the safety valve which is found in the steam-cooking pan. Each steam pot has a plastic safety valve, so that when the pressure rises sharply to unbearable degrees, this plastic substance melts and the steam comes out of that cooking pot without exploding. This is just like divorce.
Types of Iddah
 Allah the Almighty says:
"And divorced women shall wait (as regards their marriage) for three menstrual periods, and it is not lawful for them to conceal what Allah has created in their wombs, if they believe in Allah and the Last Day."
[Al-Baqarah, 228]
 The divorced woman is trusted with what Allah has created in her womb, because if she is pregnant, there is a special Iddah for her.
"And their husbands have the better right to take them back in that period, if they wish for reconciliation. And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise."
[Al-Baqarah, 228]
 Let us discuss the types of Iddah: As for the woman who has menstrual cycle and who had sexual intercourse with her husband, her Iddah is three menstrual periods, while the woman who didn't have any sexual relation with her husband there is no Iddah for her. Allah the Almighty says:
"O you who believe! When you marry believing women, and then divorce them before you have sexual intercourse with them, no 'Iddah [divorce prescribed period, have you to count in respect of them."
[Al-Ahzab, 49]
 Again, as for the woman who did not have any sexual intercourse with her husband, she has no Iddah, and the woman who had sexual intercourse with her husband, and she has menstrual period, her Iddah is three menstrual cycles, while the woman who has no courses( who is still immature), her Iddah is three months.
Women are trusted with what Allah has created in their wombs
 Allah the Almighty says:
"And those of your women as have passed the age of monthly courses,"
[At-Talaq, 4]
 As for the woman who has not started menstruation, her Iddah is three months.
"And those of your women as have passed the age of monthly courses, for them the 'Iddah (prescribed period), if you have doubts (about their periods), is three months, and for those who have no courses [(i.e. they are still immature) their 'Iddah (prescribed period) is three months likewise, except in case of death]."
[At-Talaq, 4]
 The Iddah of the pregnant woman ends when she delivers her baby.
"And for those who are pregnant (whether they are divorced or their husbands are dead), their 'Iddah (prescribed period) is until they deliver (their burdens),"
[At-Talaq, 4]
 This Ayah has the rulings on Iddah; the Iddah of the pregnant ends when she delivers her baby, while the woman who has not started menstruation or who has passed the age of menstruation, her Iddah is three months. Concerning the woman who had sexual intercourse with her husband, and she has menstrual periods, her Iddah is three menstrual cycles, while the one who did not have sexual relation with her husband, she has no Iddah.
 Dear brothers, Al-Qar is one of the words which have two paradoxical meanings; it means the menstrual period or the state of purity. Therefore, the Iddah of the woman is calculated according to either the menstrual cycles, or the state of purity after each menstrual cycles. Allah the Almighty says:
"And it is not lawful for them to conceal what Allah has created in their wombs"
[Al-Baqarah, 228]
 If Allah the Almighty has created a fetus in her womb, and her menstrual period stops for this reason, she should announce that she is pregnant, otherwise she is considered a sinner in Allah's Sight. Actually, in some cases the wife may claim that she is pregnant, or she may keep her pregnancy a secret for a certain purpose. Hence, she alone bears the full responsibility for that, and Allah the Almighty has made her responsible for that and has ordered her to speak the truth only. Like husbands who are trusted with the decision of divorce (they should not make it unfairly), women are trusted with what Allah has created in their wombs (they should not hide their pregnancy.)
The Prophetic Sunnah clarifies when to hit the wife
 Allah the Almighty says:
"And their husbands have the better right to take them back "
[Al-Baqarah, 228]
 A man who has great affection for his wife, may divorce her a revocable divorce as a quarrel broke out between them. He may intend to take her back after a while, but some of her family members refuse that and ask for divorce. Allah the Almighty says:
"And their husbands have the better right to take them back"
[Al-Baqarah, 228]
 Their husbands have the full right to take them back. Allah the Almighty says:
"And their husbands have the better right to take them back in that period, if they wish for reconciliation."
 A husband may take his wife back in order to do harm to her. For instance, he divorces her and leaves her, so that she has her menstrual cycles and the states of purity. Then on the last day of the ninety days he decides to take her back, but the very next day he divorces her for the second time, and he does the same thing once again; he leaves her for another ninety days, then he takes her back. In this case, he leaves her for one hundred and eighty days and he takes her back in order to harm her. It is permissible for the husband to take his wife back provided that he has a good intention, so if he intends to harm her, he will be called to severe account on the Day of Resurrection. The Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, said:

"Fear Allah concerning women! Verily you have taken them on the security of Allah, and intercourse with them has been made lawful unto you by words of Allah. You too have right over them, and that they should not allow anyone to sit on your bed whom you do not like. But if they do that, you can chastise them but not severely. Their right upon you are that you should provide them with food and clothing in a fitting manner."
[Abu Dawud]
 Some man claim that Allah the Almighty has permitted them to hit their wives, who told them that? Allah the Almighty says:
"(and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful), "
[An-Nisa', 34]
 It is clarified in the Prophetic Sunnah when you are allowed to beat your wife. She is beaten when she allows someone you dislike and who is a stranger to enter your own house, because this is a great sin. Therefore, you can either beat her as means of punishing her while she is still your wife, or divorce her which may lead her to go astray. Which of these two solutions is better? Thus, the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, clarified when to beat your wife, saying:
"You too have right over them, and that they should not allow anyone to sit on your bed whom you do not like. But if they do that, you can chastise them but not severely. Their right upon you are that you should provide them with food and clothing in a fitting manner."
[Abu Dawud]
The wife's right upon her husband:
 In another Ayah, Allah the Almighty says:
"But do not take them back to hurt them,"
[Al-Baqarah, 231]
 Sometimes, the husband may take his wife back not out of his love for her or out of following Allah's Order, but because he intends to do harm to her. He is informed that there is a man who wants to marry her. Thus, he divorces her, then takes her back (before the end of her Iddah) in order to annoy her and to do harm to her, which does not please Allah the Almighty.
Muawiya Ibn Haidah narrated that he asked the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him: "What is the right of the Muslim's wife upon him?" He, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, said:
"That you should give her food when you eat, clothe her when you clothe yourself, do not strike her on the face, do not revile her or separate yourself from her except in the house." Abu Dawud said: "The meaning of "do not revile her" is, as you say: "May Allah revile you."
[Abu Dawud]
 This is the wife's right upon her husband.
 Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him, narrated that the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, said:
"It is not lawful for a woman to fast (Nawafil/supererogatory) without the permission of her husband when he is at home; and she should not allow anyone to enter his house except with his permission; and if she spends of his wealth (on charitable purposes) without being ordered by him, he will get half of the reward."
[Agreed upon]
 These are general rules which regulate the relation between the spouses.
Some Ayat and Ahadith which regulate the relation between spouses
 Abdullah ibn 'Umar narrated that the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, said
Allah's Apostle said, ''Surely! Everyone of you is a guardian and is responsible for his charges: The Imam (ruler) of the people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects; a man is the guardian of his family (household) and is responsible for his subjects; a woman is the guardian of her husband's home and of his children and is responsible for them; and the slave of a man is a guardian of his master's property and is responsible for it.'' I thought that he also said, ''A man is the guardian of his father's property and is responsible for it. Surely, everyone of you is a guardian and responsible for his charges.''
[Al-Bukhari]
 Also, the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, said:
"When a man calls his wife to fulfill his need, then let her come, even if she is at the oven."
[At-Tirmidhi]
 Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him, narrated that the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, said:
"If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and thus he spends the night angry with her, the angels continue cursing her till the morning."
[Agreed upon]
 Ibn Abbas, may Allah be pleased with him, said:
((I like to adorn myself for my wife, as I like her to adorn herself for me,..))
[Al-Jami li-Ahkam al-Qur'an (The compendium of legal rulings of the Qur'an)]
 Because Allah the Almighty says:
"And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable,"
[Al-Baqarah, 228]
 This Ayah includes some of the regulations of the relationship between spouses.
Al-Maruf is what is accepted by reason and by sound Fitrah
  What is Al-Maruf? Consider the following Noble Ayah which has a very precise meaning:
"And divorced women shall wait (as regards their marriage) for three menstrual periods, and it is not lawful for them to conceal what Allah has created in their wombs, if they believe in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands have the better right to take them back in that period, if they wish for reconciliation. And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to Al-Maruf (what is reasonable)"
[Al-Baqarah, 228]
 What is Al-Maruf? It is what the sound Fitrah accepts and never disapproves. Also, it could be defined as what is accepted by reason, sound Fitrah and Shari'ah.
 Now the question is: How can the relationship between spouses be regulated? There are some people who claim that the wife is not responsible for serving her husband. Actually, these allegations have no basis in reality, because the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, ordered his daughter Fatimah, may Allah be pleased with her, to do the house work. If the wife had not been supposed to do the house work, the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, would not have ordered his daughter to do that. The husband goes to his work, while the wife should cook, clean the house, raise up her children properly, breastfeed her infant and so on. This is a wide topic which I discussed in one of the Friday sermons, because I heard that some people claim that the only duty the wife has towards her husband is to let him have sexual relation with her. Moreover, other people go too far to the extent that they claim that the wife does not have to breastfeed her infant, and that the husband should bring her a wet nurse!! It is completely unacceptable to let the infant die out of hunger and to say that his mother is not responsible for breastfeeding him. There is one exceptional case, that is when you ask for the hand of a king's daughter who has many servants in her parents' palace, so you should bring her some servants to serve her, but this is a very rare case. Let me repeat, whoever asks for the hand of an extremely wealthy young woman should know that he has to bring her many servants, but apart from this exceptional situation, you should treat your wife according to Al-Maruf, i.e. according to the customary practice between all people. All wives in our country cook, clean their houses, wash clothes, raise their children and breastfeed their babies. This is the custom which is accepted by sound Fitrah and confirmed by Shari'ah. 
 I wonder how some scholar say on Friday Khutbah that the wife is not responsible for serving her husband, cooking, cleaning her house or breastfeeding her infant since the marriage contract is only related to the sexual relation. These words are not accepted neither by sound reason, by sound Fitrah nor by Shari'ah. Let alone that they contradict the deed of the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, when he ordered his daughter Fatimah, may Allah be pleased with her, who was the apple of his eye, to serve her husband our master Ali, may Allah be pleased with him, in his house. Scholars said that the woman should serve her husband, but in case she has servants in her parents' house, he should bring her servants. This is considered a rule.
Men have a degree of leadership over women
 Then Allah the Almighty says:
"but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them."
[Al-Baqarah, 228]
 It is one degree.
"And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. "
[Al-Baqarah, 228]
 Which is the degree of leadership, so there should be a leader for this institution. In every household man should make the final decision. Actually, in every society, institution, hospital, school, factory and so on, there should be someone who makes the final decision. Thus, in order to have healthy family relationships in every house, there should be someone who makes the final decision, and he is the husband. Allah the Almighty says:
"but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them."
[Al-Baqarah, 228]
 Which means an extra degree over their wives. For example, if there are two senior officers in one barracks, one of them should have authority over the other even if he graduated few days before the other one, so he should be given precedence. Likewise, in the household, there should be someone who makes the final decision, who is definitely the husband. Allah the Almighty says:
"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means."
[Al-Nisa, 34]
 When are you granted the degree of leadership over your wife? When you are more knowledgeable than her, when you are better than her, when you adhere to Allah's Order more strictly than her, when you have better morals than her and when you spend on her. On the other hand, when she spends money on you from her own salary, and when you have a fairly bad character, then she is granted the degree of leadership over you, and this is the meaning of the Noble Ayah in which Allah the Almighty says:
"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means."
[An-Nisa', 34]
 Abu Hurayrah reported that the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, said:
"If I were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone, then I would order the wife to prostrate to her husband."
[At-Tirmidhi]
  In another narration, he, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, said:
"It is not right that any human being should prostrate to another human being, and if it were right for a human being to prostrate to another human being I would have ordered the woman to prostrate to her husband due to the greatness of his rights upon her. By Him in whose Hand is my soul, if from his foot the crown of his head there was a wound pouring forth with pus, and she (his wife) came and licked that, then she would (still) not have fulfilled his right."
[Ahmad]
The prohibition of getting the divorced wife back before she remarries
 Dear brothers, after the above mentioned Ayah, Allah the Almighty says:
"The divorce is twice,"
[Al-Baqarah, 229]
 Which means you cannot take your wife back every time you divorce her. When you divorce your wife for the first time, you can take her back within 90 days (her Iddah), but after the end of the Iddah of divorce, you can take her back after writing a new marriage contract, and the same thing happens when you divorce her for the second time as divorce is twice. However, when you divorce her for the third time, she becomes irrevocably divorced (this case is called the major irrevocable divorce), and everything comes to an end. She becomes free, which means you will not be able to take her back unless she marries another man a real and permanent marriage and be divorced by her second husband. What is the wisdom behind this? 
 Actually, when a man mistreats his wife and divorces her for the first time and does not take her back during the first ninety days (the Iddah of the first divorce), and then he divorces her for the second time and treats her badly and does not take her back during the second ninety days (the Iddah of the second divorce), he should be fully aware of the fact that if he loves his wife, and if maintaining his marital relationship with her is to his advantage, he should seize the opportunity and take her back. If he loses this opportunity and divorces her for the third time, he will not be able to take her back unless an extremely difficult condition is fulfilled. It is when another man marries her a real and a permanent marriage, then he divorces her. Only then she can remarry her first husband. What will happen then?
 If she was the one who caused the marital problem, then in most cases the second husband will also divorce her. When she realizes that the reason behind her divorce lies in her, she may treat her first husband in a better way if he remarries her. On the other hand, if the first husband was the one who caused the marital problem, then her second husband will never divorce her, which is really a definitive solution, so she will remain with him. I repeat, if she was the one who caused the divorce, the second husband will also divorce her. As a result, she will blame herself and will realize that she was the cause of her divorce, and she may return to her first husband. What is happening nowadays ( a marriage that is intended in order to make a divorced woman lawful for her first husband) is against Shari'ah. The second marriage should be a real one, the second husband should have sexual relation with her and they should intent that it is a permanent marriage. Verily, this is Shari'ah, so whatever contradicts it is a deviation from Islam.
Whoever marries a woman to make her lawful for her first husband is cursed
 Allah the Almighty cursed the one who marries a woman for only one night in order to make her lawful for her first husband. the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, said:
"Curse be upon the one who marries a divorced woman with the intention of making her lawful for her former husband and upon the one for whom she is made lawful."
[Abu Dawud]
  Thus, marrying a woman for just one day in order to make her lawful for her first husband is one of the greatest sins, and the proof is that the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, cursed him. The second husband should have sexual relation with her which means the first bad-tempered husband should know that when he divorces his wife for three times, he will not be able to take her back unless she has intercourse with a second husband. I hope that it is quite clear to you that what is called "borrowed billy-goat" ( he is the one who marries a divorced woman for only one night in order to make her lawful for her former husband) has no basis in Islam and has no relation to it. In order to be able to return to her former husband, the wife should marry another man a real marriage with the intention to make it permanent, and if the second husband divorces her, she can remarry her first husband. Allah the Almighty says:
"The divorce is twice,"
[Al-Baqarah, 229]
 After that:
"either you retain her on reasonable terms "
[Al-Baqarah, 229]
 He should treat her kindly as his wife; he should feed her from whatever he eats and dress her with whatever he wears. He should not despise her, beat her, insult her or deprive her of what she desires, but rather he should treat her the way a wife should be treated.
Scandals and disclosing faults should be avoided after divorce
 Allah the Almighty says:
"after that, either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness."
[Al-Baqarah, 229]
 By your Lord, have you ever heard about any divorce case in which no spouse discloses the faults of the other?! Allah the Almighty says:
"or release her with kindness."
[Al-Baqarah, 229]
 It means when the husband is asked about the reason why he divorced his wife, he should say that they did not understand each other and that there was a marital discord between them. Also, he could say that although she was a good woman, he wants another woman as a wife. The one who reveals all the physical defects of his divorced wife, and who makes people detest her is considered an evildoer. Pay attention to the meaning of the Noble Ayah below in which Allah the Almighty says:
"or release her with kindness."
[Al-Baqarah, 229]
 If man decides to divorce his wife, he should do that without revealing her defects and uncovering her faults. What do you say about the husband who fabricates false defects which do not exist? Actually, some men do that. The husband sometimes makes utterly false accusations against his wife and damages her reputation among people, but Allah the Almighty will take revenge on him severely.
 I heard a story about a man who had married a fairly pretty young woman. She was a very pious woman, she had high morals and she was well raised up by her parents. Nevertheless, he was not pleased with her, because he wanted her to sit with his male friends and to go to nightclubs, to hotels, and to the sea (he wanted her to dress immodestly), as this was his lifestyle. She refused that many times, so he wanted to divorce her. Because her dowry was too large, his mother prepared an evil plan against his wife, so that she would ask for Khula divorce (which is the right of a woman in Islam to seek adivorce or separation from her husband, but she must return gifts, dowry, and other financial considerations to her husband in return for being permitted to divorce). The mother asked her son to ill-treat his wife. She told him to come home every day after midnight, to beat her, to deprive her of food and to insult her family. He did that for many months until she asked for Khula divorce without asking for her large dowry.
 After a period of time. he married another woman who accepted his lifestyle. He made fun of the way he refrained from paying the dowry of his first wife whenever Allah saved him from the problems he had. He used to say: "I was saved from this problem the same way I was saved from paying the large dowry of my first wife." One day, while he was driving his car with his second wife sitting beside him, his mother sitting behind him and his father sitting behind his second wife, they had a terrible accident. That man and his mother died immediately, while his father who strongly rejected the way his wife treated her first mother-in-law, survived. Allah's Punishment is extremely severe, and the Throne of the Beneficent shakes at doing injustice to a weak woman, accusing her falsely, putting on her a burden greater than she has strength to bear, treating her badly or extorting her wealth.    Whoever does that will be punished severely by Allah the Almighty. He says:
"The divorce is twice, after that, either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness."
[Al-Baqarah, 229]
The fundamental principle of Khula' divorce
 When you present jewelry and dowry to your wife, and then you decide to divorce her, she has the full right to keep her immediate and postponed dowry and the jewelry presented to her.
"And it is not lawful for you (men) to take back (from your wives) any of your Mahr (bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) which you have given them, except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah (e.g. to deal with each other on a fair basis)."
[Al-Baqarah, 229]
 If she hates her husband, and she fears that her morals may deviate if she stays with him, she can seek divorce from her husband and pay him back her dowry. It means she can exempt her husband from her dowry provided that he divorces her. This is the meaning of Khula divorce. This Noble Ayah is considered a fundamental principle of Khula divorce. Allah the Almighty says:
"And it is not lawful for you (men) to take back (from your wives) any of your Mahr (bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) which you have given them, except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah (e.g. to deal with each other on a fair basis). Then if you fear that they would not be able to keep the limits ordained by Allah, then there is no sin on either of them if she gives back (the Mahr or a part of it) for her Al-Khul' (divorce). These are the limits ordained by Allah, so do not transgress them. And whoever transgresses the limits ordained by Allah, then such are the Zalimun (wrong-doers, etc.)"
[Al-Baqarah, 229]
Ibn Abbas may Allah be pleased with him narrated that the wife of Thabit bin Qais came to the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, and said: "O Allah's Messenger! I do not blame Thabit for defects in his character or his religion, but I, being a Muslim, dislike to behave in un-Islamic manner (if I remain with him)." On that Allah's Messenger said to her: "Will you give back the garden which your husband has given you (as Mahr)?" She said, "Yes." Then the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, said to Thabit,: "O Thabit! Accept your garden, and divorce her once."
[Al-Bukhari]
 The marriage contract is not concluded unless it is by the women's permission and approval, which is an example of honoring women in Islam. When the Prophet, may Allah have peace and blessings upon him, wanted to give his daughter in marriage, he asked for her permission; whether she had any objection or not. Thus, whoever forces his daughter to marry a man she does not like is doing something against the teachings of Islam.
 We are back to the Khula divorce, which means that if a women wants to end her marriage while her husband has paid her dowry, he can get back everything he has presented to her. Hence, Khula divorce is when the wife exempts her husband from some or all of her dowry in return for getting divorced.
A women does not marry without her and her father's permission
 Allah the Almighty says:
"The divorce is twice, after that, either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness. And it is not lawful for you (men) to take back (from your wives) any of your Mahr (bridal money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) which you have given them, except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah (e.g. to deal with each other on a fair basis). Then if you fear that they would not be able to keep the limits ordained by Allah, then there is no sin on either of them if she gives back (the Mahr or a part of it) for her Al-Khul' (divorce). These are the limits ordained by Allah, so do not transgress them. And whoever transgresses the limits ordained by Allah, then such are the Zalimun (wrong-doers, etc.)."
[Al-Baqarah, 229]
 Dear brothers, every young women has her own aspiration with regards to marriage, but her marriage requires two inseparable conditions. To illustrate this point, consider the example of a box which have two keys, it will not be opened except by both of them. Similarly, marriage contract requires the approval of two people; the woman's father, because he is well-acquainted with men; he can tell who has good morals and who is deviated morally, and he is her guardian. Also, marriage contract requires the approval of the young woman because even if her father is pleased with the suitor, his outward appearance may not please her. Thus, marriage contract is not concluded except with the permission of both; the young woman and her father. This is what should be done according to the Shari'ah of Allah the Almighty. Before writing the marriage contract, the legal Maazoun (the official who is authorized to write marriage contract) should hear the consent of the young woman with regards to the suitor and the dowry. If she accepts, the marriage contract is concluded, but if she does not, the marriage contract is invalid. Actually, there are many other details regarding this subject, but there is no time to mention them now.
Let me answer some of your questions:
 A noble brother asks about the Iddah of the pregnant. It lasts until delivery, even if she gives birth two days later or less than that. Another noble brother asks about Tafriq (separation) divorce. The answer is that the decision to divorce is made by the husband, and the decision to Khula divorce is made by the wife, but the decision to Tafriq (separation) divorce is made by the judge. The divorce lawsuit is brought before a judge, then he studies it and decides which one of the spouses has done more harm to the other, and he specifies the dowry according to that. I repeat, it is the wife who makes the decision of Khula divorce, and it is the husband who makes the decision of divorce, but it is the judge who makes the decision of Tafriq divorce. 

Translation  : Rana Saraqbi
Edited by      : Kawthar Hajj Saleh